In an effort to “put the children first” my ex husband and I will be having Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas morning breakfast together in what will be the most awkward Christmas EVER (we are barely on speaking terms).
As with every Christmas before this, I will be cooking. Expecting something to go pear shaped I’ve left it til now, the afternoon before Christmas Eve to plan what I’m cooking. I decide on a baked ham.
Off I go to the garage to pull out a box of recipe books. I know I’ve got a great baked ham recipe somewhere. Rummaging through the box I find it, a hand written recipe for Jam Roly Poly. My ex husband’s favourite food.
I got the recipe from his mother, she had it stored in her head. It was our 6 month wedding anniversary and I was cooking him a 3 course meal. We rarely went out anywhere so cooking nice meals was what I did.
Being an hopeless old school romantic and remembering ever detail about his like and dislikes I called his mother for the recipe.
When I made it he said I cooked it better than his mother. I think that was one of the very few compliments I received from him.
That was one of the only times I made it for him. Maybe if I had cooked it more he would’ve been satisfied with me and not constantly searched for someone else.
I realise how crazy that sounds but these are the thoughts that go through my mind is a desperate search for answers to so many questions I have.
And just like that, emotion I’ve been holding in for weeks begins to flow. My 6 year old sees me crying and comes to me for a cuddle. I explain to him about the recipe, he wants to cook it one day. Maybe, one day we will.
Un-done by bloody Jam Roly Poly.
Kirsty is the founder of That Noise Is Mine.
An established blogger, writer and business owner raising 4 children independently. Kirsty is determined to succeed in this new life forced upon her.