To the previous owner of my new stand mixer

It’s funny where life takes you and who it brings you to.

I remember the first time I saw you, from a distance, laughing and so happy.  I must admit, I was intimidated.  You seemed to have everything so together and I didn’t.  Then our paths crossed but in a way that still left me intimidated.  See you were in a similar position to me, newly separated, but somehow you had it all together and seemed to have it all under control whereas I was in tatters.

I’m not even sure how we came to this point where you are giving me a stand mixer and furniture to fill my home but we are here. 2 single Mums helping each other out, just trying to get by.

It’s funny.  One of the most comforting things you have ever said to me is that you are disorganised and always late.  I’m not sure you realise how comforting this was.  Since becoming a single Mum I am never on time – for anything.  I’m convinced my Mum told me a different time to arrive at her place for Easter recently because for the first time ever we arrived before everyone else.  When we are late, I’m not talking 5 or 10 minutes late – I’m talking hours. We are always hours late.  And if we’re coming to something such as a birthday that requires us to bring something with us – I can guarantee you we bought it at your local shops 5 minutes before arriving at your event. So when you told me you were just as disorganised I didn’t feel like such a failure.

We are both still in this awkward phase of the divorce process – the middle – where so many things need to be sorted out, where you live your life in limbo, where you’re not sure who you are or where you are headed. But you have done something different in your phase – you have made decisions for yourself and decisions to suit yourself, to make your life easier. Decisions that I’ve been scared to make.

I am still getting used to the fact that I’m here on my own.  I was thrust from the comfort of marriage (albeit a bad one) into this life on my own where I am the decision maker.  This is the first time in my life that I am the one to make the decisions and you are too, except you’ve confidently made decisions whereas I’m sitting here waiting for permission not wanting to rock the boat.

I have made decisions that only affect me personally and these have still been tough.  Decisions regarding my physical appearance for example or where furniture went in my home or what food I bought.  I made decisions and I was so proud because I was my own woman now, except I was still hiding away from BIG decisions that need to be made.

Watching you take a bold step has forced me to re-evaluate where I am in life. I am still very much living life for other people, people who don’t care about me and are certainly not taking me into consideration when living their life. I have been wanting to take steps to get out of my comfort zone for a while because where I am now in life it is hard and difficult sometimes. I am isolated. So as I was setting up your furniture in my home I made decisions, you took a leap for you – this does not make you selfish, it does not make you a bad mother, it does not change who you are. It makes you brave because you have stood up, more than once and said “No” this is not how it’s going to be.

And now I am driven to do the same.  You have given me the motivation and confidence to say – No I am not happy still living my life for others.  I want more.  And more is what I am going to have.  There are big changes coming. BIG changes, and not physical transformations. Decisions that affect the lives of others but decisions that I must make to be happy.

After all, the best gift I can possible give my children is a happy mother.  So, watch this space friends, a change is in the air.

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