I’m at a stage in the recovery process where well-meaning friends all seem to have suddenly found “the perfect man” for me, I’m not sure where all of these men have been hiding but apparently, there are a few out there!
The 12 month anniversary of the end of my marriage has passed and the hard emotional work is done. I really feel I have dealt with the end of my marriage and closed the door.
So that must mean it’s time to move on, right?
I am still emotionally dented, badly dented but I am no longer broken. I find it difficult to trust anyone so the idea of letting the walls down to another person and opening myself up is a little daunting. I mean, how do you know if someone is genuine?
My psychologist has told me that I need to trust myself and then I’ll start to trust another man and know what I deserve from a relationship. But I don’t even know what that means or where to start.
I tried, I tried to open up and let the walls down to someone I thought was genuine but it didn’t work. The reminder of why I’m dented was all too fresh and not something I was able to move forward and break through and neither was he so, in the end, it was easier to walk away.
Then I have these 4 amazing little people. 4 little people who depend on me for everything.
When my marriage was ending I made a promise to myself that those little people would always always always come first. I have witnessed first hand the effects on children long term of jumping from relationship to relationship and introducing boyfriends to children too early and that is never something I ever want to put my kids through. Right now I don’t want my kids to have to share their time with me with someone else. They deserve to just spend time with Mum without the confusion of adding a boyfriend into the fold. The timing just isn’t right, they’re too young. Maybe in a few years time when I can focus on a relationship without it interfering with being a Mum, maybe then I will consider something a little more long term, but for now, my focus and my priority is the children. Even if or when the long term relationship comes along I’d be really reluctant to introduce him to the children unless we were ready to move in together. I love my children too much to introduce them to someone I’ve been dating for a matter of weeks or months. Yes, the children are a huge part of me and my life but my job as their mother is to protect them and having a revolving door of partners and having them think that lifestyle is normal is not the example I want to set for my children.
That leaves me in a predicament though, because I have every 2nd weekend “off” and sometimes it’s nice to go to dinner and to remember that I am a woman, not just a Mum. But it would take in incredibly patient man to wait around for his turn once a fortnight and break through my walls and barriers.
I would love to fall in love again one day but does it have to be straight away? Can’t I just focus on my kids? They are only young once, I will never get this time back with them again and I would hate to look back on this phase of my life to see that I was focused on the wrong person rather than the 4 little people who matter.
That doesn’t mean I’m completely closed off to love, it means that if it does come along it will be a very slow process while I focus on my most important role in life – being a Mum.
And if you are a male and I do happen to spend time with you on my “off” weekends, consider yourself very lucky because I don’t waste time on just anyone 😉
PS: Be sure to check out A Letter to the Man Who Loves Me Next, a post written by me exclusively for DivorcedMoms.com
Kirsty is the founder of That Noise Is Mine.
An established blogger, writer and business owner raising 4 children independently. Kirsty is determined to succeed in this new life forced upon her.