The first time I realised you had a problem with alcohol, I was cleaning up after you had come over the night before to listen to some music. I went to my pantry and saw my new bottle of Gin we opened which only had about a third left. I had two drinks. You had the rest. I stood in my pantry, shocked. I had no idea what to do. I then felt sick because I remembered I’d bought you your own bottle of Gin and I wondered how much of it you had already drunk.
The time you left my house barely able to walk straight, fumbling with your keys and phone and going to visit your kid at school I closed the door and was angry with myself for not saying something to you.
The time you sat on my couch incoherently talking and crying before passing out. I gathered up your keys and wallet, which had fallen to the floor. Covered you with a blanket and went to bed and cried.
The time you messaged me from a park at 2 am and then suddenly stopped replying. I did not sleep at all. The next morning I checked the local Police Facebook page to see if there were any car accidents between that park and your house. After I dropped the kids at school, I drove to the park, but you weren’t there. You didn’t reply to any messages until four days later. For four days, I walked around trying to function, not knowing if you were alive or dead.
The time I tried to put boundaries on our friendship and asked you not to contact me if you had been drinking and you became upset and angry. I felt like the worst person in the world and immediately regretted what I had said. I had no idea how to handle this. Then there were the few weeks after where you didn’t message me after you had been drinking and that worry was worse.
All the times you’d message me so down on yourself, and I would cry that such a beautiful soul could not see what everyone else could.
The time you had what I call your “Brittney Spears” moment. You were in my home, we were laughing and joking about it, but I had never felt so sad for someone before and went to the bathroom and cried so you wouldn’t see, and I wouldn’t have to explain to you why I was crying.
The time you messaged me in the middle of the night incoherent text, and I managed to figure out that you were driving your car and then you suddenly stopped replying. I tried to think of so many ways to come and get you or people to call, but I wasn’t sure who else knew about this, so I did nothing – except worry if you were alive or dead.
The time I was driving to the shops and saw a car the same as yours sitting crashed on the side of the road I had to pull over because I thought I was going to vomit. You took 6 hours to reply to the random message I sent you which was me seeing if you were ok. For 6 hours I thought the car was yours and I wondered if you were alive or dead.
The times you were drunk and you’d say the most beautiful things but couldn’t tell them sober.
The time I cut off my friends and family because I was so mentally exhausted from dealing with this. I snapped at my Dad for no reason and still feel terrible. No one knew what was going on and why I was such a bitch to them.
The almost full bottle of Gin that stares at me every time I open my pantry that I can’t drink because it brings back every single one of these terrible memories.
The time I finally admitted to myself that you were a functioning alcoholic, and there was nothing I could do.
Kirsty is a Mum, a student, a business owner, a blogger, a writer, a friend, a daughter, a sister and a strong woman determined to succeed in this new life forced upon her.
4 lively boys + 1 busy Mum = A crazy life.
Welcome to The Next Chapter!