I sigh and try and hold back tears as I thread your pink shoelaces in your shoes. It’s a compromise, you wanted your hair in pigtails I suggested the shoelaces and you are standing there with an excited grin on your face.
You tried a single ponytail in your hair a few weeks back at school and I was heartbroken halfway through the day when your teacher sent through some photos and your hair was down.
You said you felt people were laughing at you. I swear they weren’t and if they did they were just jealous.
The tears I cry over you have nothing to do with the fact that you gravitate more towards a female gender, I’m still learning to understand why and I know that it’s not something you can or should control, it’s not anything to worry about and all that matters in life is that you are happy.
My tears are for the battles you may face later in life and the fact that as your mother I have no way of protecting you from that.
I’ve always known that gender was never of high importance to you, I mean, you know you have the body of a boy but you’ve never been that typical boy, you’ve always been somewhere in the middle and now you’re getting old enough to make some decisions for yourself they tend to be more female orientated.
The world is not a kind place. Fuck, even professionals I’ve spoken to about this have said: “at this age, it’s still possible it’s just a phase” like they’re trying to reassure me you’re “normal” but again, that’s never the issue.
I just want to protect you from the cruel world. I want a perfect world where you are free to express yourself without fear. But I know you’ll never get that. I know that some of the adversity you will face is far worse than anything I’ve ever dealt with in life and I feel helpless that there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.
I know if this is not just a phase and you choose to be a female or choose to be neither male or female I will support you and protect you as much as I can but the world, well, they don’t understand kid and that’s what breaks my heart for you.
Even members of your own family don’t understand. I saw how dejected you were after a recent shopping trip where you were told you can’t have pink boots because they were for girls. Part of you didn’t understand why pink was only for girls. I couldn’t even explain it to you when you mentioned it because I’m not sure where the rules are written that pink is for girls and blue for boys.
I’m getting you those pink boots as soon as I can. Because I know you love them and they’ll make you happy and I’m bloody proud of you for standing up and expressing who you are without fear at such a young age. That is rare and that is what everyone around you needs to focus on.
Don’t ever lose that. Ever. No matter how cruel the world is ALWAYS be you!
Enjoy your pink shoelaces – they look awesome! x
Kirsty is the founder of That Noise Is Mine.
An established blogger, writer and business owner raising 4 children independently. Kirsty is determined to succeed in this new life forced upon her.