The last 1st birthday



I’ve been thinking about this post for a while.  What could I write to express how I feel with my last baby about to turn 1.  The truth is, there is so much mixed emotion that I’m having difficulties putting it into words.

Ok. Here we go.

B4.  My precious baby boy.  You are 1.

One day you were a little newborn baby then I blinked and now you are 1.

It’s funny because as I sit here writing this, reflecting on the past 12 months of “last firsts” for me I feel sad.  Sad that I will never experience these again with a baby of my own.  But when they were happening to you I felt nothing but joy and happiness.

You are my sunshine.  You are living up to your superhero name.

On days when I couldn’t get out of bed you gave me reason to.  On days I couldn’t laugh you gave me reason to.  You forced me to keep going when I had nothing left.  I had to. For you. You are the only one who is 100% dependant on me.

It hasn’t been easy.  One day I know you are going to have so many questions and I’m not sure I’m going to have all of the answers.  I guess the only answer you need to know is that you are the most loved little boy.  Never doubt that.  Ever.

Sometimes the sadness of your life overwhelms me.  I think it’s because I had this vision of what a perfect family should be and I know that your brothers experienced that, even if just for a fleeting moment, but you will never know what it feels like to have Mum and Dad together.  There are no photos of the 6 of us, there are no photos or memories of you, Mum and Dad together.  Just know though, that everything happens for a reason and you are so much better off with your family split.  Plus you get two loving homes where most little boys only get one.

On your 1st birthday you are already doing so much.  You have finally moved up from the commando crawl to a proper crawl.  I guess it was easy just to drag yourself along on the tiles which is why it took you so long.  You can stand against furniture and if I put you in your walker we all need to look out because you seem to see it more as a bumper car than walker!  You clap your hands with such pride.  You wave. You don’t sleep. These are all little things but there were a couple of stages while I was pregnant with you when I didn’t think we were going to see any of this which is why I feel so much joy when you reach these milestones.

We have a little ritual in our home each morning at breakfast.  While I get breakfast ready you sit in your rocking chair watching the Wiggles.  Your brothers sit at the kitchen bench.  When I pick you up to bring you to the bench we all wave at each other.  Ok, now I’ve just described it – it sounds kind of silly! But it’s just the cutest thing, seeing your face light up when you see them and start waving.  Their faces light up too.  I see the look of confusion on your face when they are not here.  One day it will all make sense little dude.

You bring such joy to our lives.  You’re starting to develop your own special personality.  I can’t wait to see what the next 12 months hold for you.

Happy 1st Birthday baby boy.  I love you to the moon and back my darling.


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