I hate seeing that hashtag, don’t you? I have a business mentor who looks after my Instagram account and he is forever telling me I should use the hashtag #soblessed to which he is met with a firm NO.
Lately, I am finding myself a little lost and numb. You see I have all of these amazing things happening, which I do feel #soblessed about, but it’s hard to get excited. I fear that this is going to be taken away from me. I fear that someone is going to come in and say “No, you can’t do that” and sometimes I feel like this isn’t even mine to have. So when I do feel excitement creeping in I suppress it so that I’m not disappointed if all of this goes away.
I guess like everything else in my life, I don’t want to become too attached to the business I am growing, to the blog and the writing that I love in case it gets taken away from me.
Everything always seems to get taken away. Nothing is mine to keep.
So, on the eve of these big things that are about to happen, I live with this fear that tomorrow I might not be #soblessed. Sometimes I feel like I’ve fluked it to get this far, I mean, how many people randomly write one or two blog posts then suddenly have a book and then a business and people wanting their help. It just doesn’t happen like this. People work for years and years and get nowhere and along comes me and just flukes it all. I’m not sure I deserve all of this. So much has happened because I know people who have guided me on how to promote myself and do things.
And whilst I am #soblessed, I am acutely aware that not everyone else in my life is. There are some people close to me who are struggling, who cannot see that they are also #soblessed.
One of my closest friends for example. He cannot see the greatness in his life, the greatness waiting for him and is losing good things because he is also lost and numb. Being one of my closest friends, I want to share my excitement and happiness but I feel guilty. In fact, last week I had one of the most exciting days career wise. At the end of the day I messaged him but instantly felt a pang of “that probably makes him feel worse about himself” and I wish I could un-send the message. How could I be so insensitive?
My business mentor, who without his help, this book wouldn’t even be happening. We met by chance through a friend and a lot of what is happening now, is due to my mentor and his contacts. He is urging me to throw a party and celebrate my success but he’s also an entirely different type of person to those I’d normally connect with – a 20 something go getter who does anything to ensure he is successful and will tell the whole world about his success. At every opportunity he is celebrating something. That’s not me, that has never been me.
So here I am on the verge of something big, feeling numb. Is this normal? Please tell me this is normal, I’m just scared I’m going to lose all of this so I don’t want to become attached and that’s perfectly normal, right? It’s trauma from one day having a family and a life and the next day it was gone. Has the trauma made me cynical and scared? Will I ever feel again? Like, really feel the excitement and enjoy the moment? Will I be forever scared that I’m going to lose everything?
Or, maybe I should just stop worrying and look at the bigger picture, I did lose a life and a family and look what happened – all of this appeared and for that, I am #soblessed x
Kirsty is the founder of That Noise Is Mine.
An established blogger, writer and business owner raising 4 children independently. Kirsty is determined to succeed in this new life forced upon her.