Right where I need to be

Hey, what would you say
If I can’t play the hero tonight
‘Cause lately I’ve been feelin’ like
I can’t get anything right
I’ve been fading into the woodwork again
And I’m feelin’ like I just want to hide
But guess what
I’m gonna try something just a little bit different this time
I’m gonna give myself permission to shine
I’m gonna shine so bright
Gonna make every head want to turn
You’re finally gonna see me
– Permission to Shine, Bachelor Girl

 

I woke up early this morning and made the mistake of starting work on my phone.  I really shouldn’t do that, now I’m wide awake before the sun is up.  I haven’t had nearly enough sleep but I’m excited for the day ahead. Should I try I get back to sleep or get up early and enjoy my morning coffee outside alone watching the sunrise.

I chose the later.

As many parents can relate, 5 or 10 minutes of solitude especially first thing in the morning can really set the tone for the day.

So, I sit down with my morning coffee as I write to you….

As I have documented on the blog, I moved house.  I’ve been in this new place for nearly 6 months.  6 months, I can’t believe how quick that has gone!

I thought the move was magically going to solve all problems.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad I moved, it was the first real decision I’ve made on my own for myself, but not everything was solved the way I thought it would be.

I still have financial issues, I always will.  Choosing to stay home and make my own money rather than go to an office with a steady income will mean I will struggle at times.  I get that and I own my choice to stay at home with my kids.  Being there for my kids is a much bigger priority than any income or material possession.  Still, there are days I’d love to open mail and not think “ah shit, I haven’t budgeted for this”.

I still burn the candle at both ends.  I always will.  I have a yearning to work, I’ve always enjoyed working so now I do it while the kids are asleep.  It makes me feel more like myself and it gives me something else to focus on.  It’s kind of cool when your hobby is also your job.  It’s the best life to live.  I’m not working for anyone else, I’m doing this for me and I reap the rewards.

I take better care of myself now.  I thought to be a good Mum I had to sacrifice myself and put them first all the time.  And then I learned that to be a good Mum I had to take care of myself physically and mentally so that I can take care of them.  I guess the airlines are right when they say put your mask on before helping anyone else in the event of an emergency! Being a Mum is the same, take care of yourself first and then you can take care of others.

I have learned that looking after myself does not mean spending money on myself.  It means doing whatever I need to do to ensure I am OK to look after others.

I have beautiful friends and family, the busyness of being a Mum means that those relationships are sometimes neglected but the beauty in those people I have in my life is that they understand because they are either in the trenches with young kids or have been in the trenches with young kids.

I was broken.  I take a certain amount of responsibility for that, I allowed people to break me, I allowed behaviour, I allowed words to affect me, I allowed control over me but I have also fought my way back and put myself back together albeit a little differently than before but I did it. And, I will never allow another person’s actions to have such a big impact on my life again.

I thought the move to a new area was going to solve everything, it didn’t but it has given me more motivation than I’ve had in many many years to take this life and make it my own.

It’s funny because after almost 10 years living on the outskirts of suburbia I swore I would never ever move back to the suburbs.  In fact, when I first decided to move it was going to be a move further out to a little country town.  Somehow I ended up 10 minutes from where I spent the first 12 years of my life. Smack bang in suburbia!!!  I’m still getting used to the fact that it now only takes about 20 minutes to get anywhere rather than allowing an hour for travel time (I’m still always late though!!)

Yesterday, I walked around the shopping centre I spent a lot of time in as a child.  It’s now local to me.  It’s the only place that ever felt like home, I think that’s why I was drawn back here. It’s home.

Did I ever think life would turn out like this? No.

Am I happy? Yes.

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