Today I face the demoralising task of going to school to beg them not to kick my kids out even though I owe a huge amount of money in school fees and have no idea how I’m going to pay for it. My ex husband has removed his name from the school enrolment contract therefore legally wiping his hands of any financial responsibility. He will be the first person to strut into the school at Open Day, Parent/Teacher interviews or Father’s day morning acting like father of the year collecting accolades even though he has not contributed anything financially to the boys education for almost 12 months.
For the past 3 days my bank account has been overdrawn by hundreds of dollars. When I get paid I’ll already be a couple of hundred of dollars behind. I have more expenses than income. Some of these are joint expenses from my now defunct marriage. Property settlement would resolve some of this but it is constantly stalled by a man who only communicates when he sees fit and subsequently the division of our property will be decided in a Court of Law.
Last week I had a grand total of $50 to buy groceries for the entire week for 5 people. That includes nappies for 2 of the children. Aside from some canned Tuna we didn’t eat meat. 2 minute noodles and frozen vegetables made an appearance a couple of times. Actually we ate a lot of pasta and vegetables and I tried to hide eggs in everything so that the children were at least getting a little bit of protein and I would not feel like I’ve failed at providing them basic necessities.
Sometimes I go without meals or eat the left overs off the kids plates because there’s simply not enough for 3 kids and an adult. The kids never go without, the kids never notice that I do.
The boys were supposed to spend Monday with a member of my ex’s family. This person didn’t show up so I had to explain to 3 heartbroken children why this person wasn’t coming and then try and make it up to them. They think it’s my fault and I must try and deal with the borderline abusive comments from them without taking anything personally.
I used to be a neat freak but I have given up. Sometimes I use all of my energy just to get out of bed. There’s very little left for 4 children let alone house work. I have never lived in such a messy house before. Sometimes it gets to me so I find the cleanest room and spend my time there.
My children used to be immaculately dressed in the latest designer gear. I struggle to keep up with the mountains of laundry and I can no longer afford the designer clothes. Recently I took the kids out, I looked at the clothes they were wearing some had stains and nothing matched and couldn’t believe my poor kids were standing there looking like hobos. I promised myself that I would make more of an effort with the laundry. I haven’t washed anything for a week.
The two year old is constantly hurting the baby. I’m at my wits end. I don’t know how to handle this. The baby’s arm is full of cuts and bruises from where the 2 year old has been pinching his arm in the car.
I bought furniture for the boys last week using voucher supplied to me by a charity.
And my lowest moment, having to put the boys school shoes on an interest free purchase as I simply couldn’t afford them.
I’m not as fun as I used to be. The weight of my world gets to me. Sometimes I retreat into myself because it’s easier than facing the world.
I am so hard on myself. I hate myself. The things I say in my head are terrible. Most days I can’t even look in the mirror because I get angry at the failure standing in front of me. Relationships fail all the time and everyone else seems to handle things so much better than me. I never feel good enough for anyone. I feel like a burden to everyone.
I have never told anyone that my ex husband never said he loved me. Not once.
I have piles and piles of paperwork that must be dealt with for the divorce and children but to face this paperwork is too much. I know if I tie up some of these lose ends it might help things a little and may even give me some extra financial assistance but to action some of this is just too much to deal with.
This is the shit I deal with every day on top of everything else. EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is the shit I don’t tell anyone because sometimes it’s too hard to face and too hard to talk about.
Talking about it, even writing about it, makes it real and I don’t want to face reality.
This wasn’t the life I chose, I was forced into this life and sometimes I am so damn angry that one person can destroy everything for so many people and seemingly not care.