Letter to the person I was 12 months ago

I find that writing letters to my former or younger self often helps me realise just how far I've come in life through the challenges I've faced. Most people who write a letter to their past selves find it very beneficial. Writing this letter to your younger self can help to heal your pain, gain closure, gain clarity, forgive yourself and others and gain inner peace.

 

Dear Me on 22 February 2016

So you’re pregnant, and your marriage is falling apart, and you have 3 children already. But you’re so desperately hanging on hoping that everything is going to work out and your husband is going to come around and everything will be ok again.  I’m here to tell you, he’s not going to come around, he’s going to ask you for a divorce and you’re going to be facing this all by yourself.  But don’t worry Me, it’s all going to be awesome!!!!

Tomorrow your husband will come home from work early, you have the day off. He will cry and tell you he’s made terrible mistakes. He’ll come with you to your first Dr’s appointment for the baby but this will be one of the only appointments he will attend.

In a few weeks time you will start marriage counselling but you have a feeling things are already over, particularly when the marriage counsellor seems to side with you. On your 2nd appointment your counsellor will ask if you want to keep working at the marriage, you say Yes but your husband says No.

This begins the worst month of your life living under the same roof as your now ex husband who has asked for a divorce.

You eventually leave on the day before Mother’s Day. It will be hard, the police will be called and you worry it will damage your kids but it wont because the police are so great and they assure you it will be ok. Plus the kids were so excited to spend some time in a police car. You spend Mother’s Day at your parents house, with the kids, unsure of anything and that evening one of the boys becomes ill and ends up in hospital.  At this point you consider going back “home” because this is where the kids need to be.  You sleep on it and then wake up the next day with a little bit of strength and find a rental property. This will be the first time you live on your own

Some days you wont be able to get out of bed and that’s ok. The fact that you’re even breathing is enough right now.

Your 4th baby will be a boy.  It is a tough pregnancy with brain issues detected at your 20 week scan. So as well as the stress of a divorce you are also carrying a baby with possible brain defects.  The baby is born, your ex husband isn’t present for the birth, the baby is unwell when he is born and spends the first few days of his life in the special care nursery.  He is eventually cleared of any brain defects.  This little boy (who you name after a superhero in a movie) will indeed become your hero. He is 100% reliant on you and gives your life new meaning.

You are now a single mum to 4 children, 4 boys! Your life is chaotic but as you come out the other side of this nightmare you will see that this is completely awesome and was your destiny.

Your now ex husband will try and reconcile, several times. You let him twice and each time he disappoints you. Eventually you close the book on that relationship and accept you are getting divorced. The next time he asks to reconcile you say No firmly believing it is better for the two of you to continue separate lives.

You reconcile with your family after 8 years of not seeing them. Seeing your Mum and Dad as grandparents to your children will bring you a whole other level of happiness.

You learn the true meaning of the saying it takes a village to raise a baby.  School Mums and Dads will become some of your new friends and will help you in ways you can never imagine.

Complete strangers will help you. Your pride will stop you from accepting the help but it doesn’t take you long to realise that you need it so suck it up princess!!!!

You will meet someone who hears your story and suggests turning into an online blog saying it will make you money and allow you to help other women in your position. Beware this person is toxic but you will learn some valuable lessons about trust.

It will also bring you much closer with someone you worked with many years ago who will create a website for you and you will become a writer – you, the girl who hates to read, will write.

You will become so much closer with your circle of friends as that friendship grows and develops into something new.  These girls will rally around you and support you in ways you could never imagine.

Your writing will take off, people will connect with you. You will work hard and see results and even though you have great technology behind you it’s your hard work that produces results and connects you with so many other writers from around the world.  This is where your happiness will come from.

And then you will come to today, 22 February 2017 where you will realise that you haven’t thought of your ex husband or the life you used to want back so badly, for some time now.  You will see that him wanting a divorce was the best thing that could have ever happened to you.

You are happy and it’s a different happiness to when you were married.

You no longer have that sick anxious feeling you had being married to someone you couldn’t trust.

Some days you will still struggle and you will fall but let me tell you this. Look up, see that – that’s the light at the end of the tunnel.  It’s coming.  So many times you sat crying, unable to move, unable to imagine the light but here it comes.

Congratulations Me, you made it, you survived what you thought would kill you and you’ve taken that experience and used it to become a completely different person. You have the world at your feet, go grab it!

Love Me xx

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