When my marriage ended, I was completely numb to life. Over the years, I had become numb to all of the behaviours I faced. It was the same thing over and over again. The same deal – random woman after random woman and through the years I just became numb to it.
In the months afterwards, I began to start feeling again, the numbness wore away, and I thought I had snatched back my power and found my roar.
I was healthy, confident and full of life. But it didn’t last. It was like a honeymoon period of freedom, and once it wore off and the reality of life settled in, and things became difficult.
I found myself in an “almost relationship”, and much like my marriage, I stayed far too long. By the end of it, this time I wasn’t numb, but I was brutally broken. I didn’t know which way was up and how to move forward.
Now, the man in question does not deserve any real estate in my mind nor on these pages but needless to say when I pondered what life and fate had in store for me post-divorce I certainly wasn’t expecting or deserving of the mess I was offered (seriously, fate, we need to talk!). But at that stage, I was still going through my “I must fix every broken bird” phase, so I rolled with it claiming it to be a form of destiny.
It was not.
At the end of the rollercoaster ride, I scratched my head and through the tears and pain, wondered what did I do to deserve this treatment! Was this punishment for something?
It took me a while to discover that no, it wasn’t punishment and I didn’t do anything to deserve the treatment I received. Still, I also didn’t do anything to stop it. I stayed in an excruciating place for close to 3 years, allowing terrible treatment waiting for a man to see that I was worthy. Sound familiar – yep, I was repeating the exact same patterns of my marriage – waiting for a man to see my worth.
With two different men, one after the other, I handed over my power to them. I gave him the ability to define my worth, to create my happiness, to show me I meant something. I lost my voice twice in a row. I didn’t learn from the patterns of my failed marriage and went and followed those same patterns with the next guy.
Even as I write this – I cringe at myself. What were you thinking, woman!
So, how did I get my power back???
I took it back. It is MINE, and no one is taking it away!
It’s not up to a man to define my worth. It’s not up to a man to create my happiness. It’s not up to a man to show me I mean something and no man should have the power to take your voice.
It is up to me to do all of these things for myself.
If I want to stop this terrible pattern of succumbing to men, handing over my power and losing myself, then I need to change my ways. I need to change myself.
Wait …. so how do you ACTUALLY do that?? How do you find your ….. ROAR????
It’s simple – choose you.
Don’t worry about being in a relationship, that time will come. If you are not healed and still carrying baggage from previous relationships, it is virtually impossible to give yourself to someone else anyway. So give yourself to YOU. Dedicate some time to yourself. To rediscover your self-worth and get used to spending time on your own.
Your goal during this stage is to reach a point of fully trusting yourself and your abilities to make decisions that put you in the driver’s seat of your life. So you can recognise when a man is being an ass and promptly show him the door.
An excellent place to start is to take stock of your life. Have a look at everything you have – health, wealth, career, relationships, family, material possessions – then ask yourself “what would happen if all of these things were taken away”. What would I have left of value?
You might need to dig deep into your own mind here to find out who you are without all of your “things”, ask yourself:
- Who am I?
- How am I?
- How am I in the world?
- What key moments define who I am today?
- What brings me the most passion, fulfilment and joy?
- Where do I struggle the most?
- Where do I need to improve?
- What fears hold me back?
- What emotions hurt me time and time again?
- What mistakes do I tend to make?
- Where do I consistently let myself down?
- What am I good at?
- What abilities do I have?
Think about mistakes you’ve made and times you’ve failed – understand that this happens to everyone. Forgive yourself for everything you’ve done in the past and accept yourself unconditionally without judgement or excuses. Accept every part of you – your flaws, fears, behaviours and qualities, including those you’re not proud of. Remind yourself always that “this is how I am, and I am at peace with that”.
Fully accept yourself.
Once you can truly accept who you are, you can then start treating yourself with kindness, tolerance, generosity and compassion. You can begin to talk to yourself in a positive voice and bring your focus and attention to the beauty within YOU.
When you fully accept who you are, when you begin to treat yourself with kindness – people, events and circumstances will no longer define you.
Losing a job, possession or even a relationship, while it will still hurt, it won’t change your inner peace and being.
There will come a time where you will begin to define yourself. You’ll no longer have a need to please other people. What other people do and what other people say about you will no longer control you.
You’ll understand that you hold the power. You control your reactions.
Your real value and self-worth will no longer be measured by a job, possessions, wealth or relationship status. Your actual value will come from within via an internal measure you’ve set for yourself.
YOU WILL HAVE THE POWER.
Once you have the power, you can then take full responsibility for your life, your circumstances and problems and understand that you can change and influence these things.
If a man is not treating you the way YOU know you should be treated, then YOU have the power to change this.
You will have built your self-worth up to the point where you never allow yourself to be defined by outside forces. No matter what happens – nothing outside of your “being” will influence how you feel about yourself.
Imagine that, hey! Imagine having that level of self-awareness, self-control and self-worth. For some, including myself, it’s a dream.
BUT, I have gone through these steps, and I have learned that I am the most significant factor in how I feel about myself – no one else, not my mother, my father, my children, my ex-husband, friends or ANY man plays a role in that. This is my power.
I am finally in a place in life where I am at peace with the past, I’m content and happy. I know what I deserve in life, and I won’t settle for anything less.
I have a roar, and I’m not afraid to use it – look out!
Kirsty is the founder of That Noise Is Mine.
An established blogger, writer and business owner raising 4 children independently. Kirsty is determined to succeed in this new life forced upon her.