You always loved my raw posts. The ones where I sat and wrote and didn’t plan anything out. The ones written with tears in my eyes. The ones where I’d press Publish without heavy editing.
The rawest post I could ever write is about you.
I’ve sat here for the past 5 nights staring at a blank page not able to get the words out of my head and onto the page. My god, there are so many words I want to say. This post isn’t written with the odd tear falling, it’s written with blinding tears and ugly crying.
Last week our world changed when you attempted to take your own life. Tired of the pain you thought you had no other option but to end it all. You were unsuccessful. You joked that you couldn’t even get that right. I laughed but inside it was killing me. I couldn’t stand the thought of the pain that you were in, even now it’s just too much, this is too big for me to deal with, so I am just numb. The day before, you left what appeared to be an innocent goodbye message on my Facebook page. You were about to head interstate to face your demons and I said to you that we needed a break in our friendship for 6 months so you could get your head in order. I now realise that the goodbye message was your “goodbye” message. That if you were successful in your attempt, all I would have as your goodbye were a few kind words and a link to a Niall Horan song on my Facebook page.
Do you know that suicide is one of the most selfish acts a person can do. All it does is ends your pain. It then creates so much more additional pain for those who love you but I guess it’s hard to see that when you are in the depths of despair.
To me it feels like you did die because I can no longer contact you. In a selfish kind of way I wish you had died because at least then there’s the closure, the finality of it all. But this way there’s still a door that’s slightly ajar.
I’ve known you for nearly 12 months and throughout that time we’ve spoken nearly every day. I still constantly check my phone for messages from you, it’s habit. A habit I must break because there are no messages coming.
When I came to see you to say goodbye. It was a shit goodbye. I could’ve done so much better. So I’ve decided to end the post with the goodbye I should’ve said.
There are so many people who dislike that you are in my life, who dislike that I gave you my time but those people didn’t know you like I knew you.
They didn’t see all the wonderful things you did, they didn’t hear all the wonderful things you said. They never watched you sleeping, you always looked so peaceful sleeping. I wish you could find that peace while you are awake.
I remember that one time we went on a date, you were such a gentleman. You came to my door with tulips, my favourite flowers. You were dressed differently, you had gone to so much effort. You had waited so long for this, I’m sorry I made you wait so long. Your smile, my god, I’ve never seen you smile like that before.
The people who dislike you never saw all of the fun times we had, the times where we would literally roll on the floor with laughter over stupid things. We both just wanted to be happy and laugh because we’ve both seen so much sadness.
That’s what drew us together and drew us closer. Our need to forget the bullshit and just be happy. And we were happy, so very happy.
We both lifted each other up. At first I thought this was maybe co-dependency but I think it’s that we had both been let down by so many people in the past we both understood what it felt like.
I lost friends and I defended you so many times to people who didn’t understand. To people who never read the poetry you wrote, who never heard the kind words you spoke, who never knew how tender and loving you are. When I spoke I actually felt like you were listening, you were engaged and you would remember things. Little things that I told you ages ago or things I said I liked and then appear with them and you remembered the big things, the things that were important to me.
You did some terrible things but after getting to know the real you I see that these things were not you, it was your illness and not everyone can understand that and not everyone could understand why I could forgive you so easily.
Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy to forgive you but I’m so glad I did. It gave me the chance to experience this connection with someone I have never felt before, a deep lasting friendship with someone who felt like home, even if it was for just a fleeting moment.
There are so many things I wish I’d said to you, so many things I wish we’d talked about. We had so many in depth life changing conversations that would go all night. I wish I had told you how I actually felt about you. You said you didn’t need to hear the words because you knew, but I wish I had said the words rather than being so scared of getting hurt.
I wish I had told you that you had become one of the most important people to me. I wish I had magical power to take away the demons that have troubled you for so long, to give you the life you had dreamed of rather than these incomplete segments of life where you are constantly trying to start again. I wish I told you that you have the most amazing eyes, that I’d get lost in them every time I looked at you. I wish I told you that your smile would make me weak at the knees. That you smelt amazing. That a good morning text from you would make my entire day.
But this time I think it’s time to tell you goodbye. The door must be closed because I can’t wait for you. Your demons affect me and my life in such a way that I cannot focus on those things I need to. That’s not to say I’m going to put myself out there for someone else. I am going to become the recluse you wanted me to be, focus on my work, my study, my boys and me. All either of us wanted was to find our place in the world and that is now going to be my focus. To find where I belong and I hope and pray that you can do the same as well.
And I know that it’s wrong
That I can’t move on
But there’s something about youIf the whole world was watching I’d still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies they come alive when I’m next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
Kirsty is the founder of That Noise Is Mine.
An established blogger, writer and business owner raising 4 children independently. Kirsty is determined to succeed in this new life forced upon her.