You call me a “fixerer”. I don’t believe that anything is forever broken. Everything is fixable. The kids toys break – that’s OK, I can fix it. What other people see as an old piece of junk, I see as something that can be worked with and fixed.
I am drawn to broken people. They are drawn to me. As with everything else, I want to fix them.
You knew this, you said it is why you were drawn to me. You were broken and I felt like the safe place you could come to, to rebuild your life.
I liked this. Being broken myself I know what it feels like to be desperately searching for that safe place. Despite everything that has happened, you felt like that safe place to me. I was drawn to you too. Which is why I could never completely cut you out of my life, even though I knew I should.
This week has been tough. I have watched you on this downward spiral, completely out of control. You are broken again.
My first instinct is to help you but this is bigger than anything I have ever dealt with before. I don’t even know where to start.
You are a brilliant person, you are misunderstood. People see a side of you and instantly label you but I have seen so much more. You are gifted at your work. Your attitude could use some work but when you do work for yourself you are brilliant and I see the excitement on your face and this makes me happy. Can’t you seek help for your sake?
Your family are trying to help but you are pushing them away, telling them you’re fine. But you are not. Why can’t you accept the help and get back on track. I am angry at you because you can’t accept the help. I don’t know what to say to your Mum, I barely know her but I have sat with her and listened to stories about you, both good and bad. Can’t you seek help for her sake?
What has triggered this? My mind is in overdrive going over the days before your spiral began. Did I say something? Did I do something? Who else was around, did someone else trigger this?
Because of my situation I now need to put limits on our friendship. I hate that. I want to be there for you but I can’t physically be there. I can send you messages, I will post on your Facebook page because I know it motivates you to do something other than sit in your depressive state, but I cannot see you. You call me, you’re crying and I want to run to you and tell you that everything is going to be OK and just sit with you until these demons subside but I can’t.
The Dr says that staying away is the best thing for you right now. I hope you understand, I’m staying away because it’s your chance of getting better, your chance of fighting these demons. It’s not because I don’t care because I do care, I care so much more than I fucking should.
You can do this, you have the strength to pull through and when you do I will be here. You have so much to pull through for. Your child, it was only a week ago we were laughing with your child and having fun, you were happy to be with your child and they were happy to be with you. Can’t you seek help for your child’s sake?
Right now all I can do is sit here, watching your whole world and life spiral out of control and fall apart and not being able to do anything about it, I don’t know if this will be the last time we speak, I don’t know if I will ever see you again, I don’t know if the motivational message I send you is too late. I’m sitting waiting for the phone call to say it’s all over, that your mind is at peace and you’ve found that safe place. Don’t let me get that phone call. I will hate you forever if I get that phone call. Can’t you seek help for my sake?
Kirsty is the founder of That Noise Is Mine.
An established blogger, writer and business owner raising 4 children independently. Kirsty is determined to succeed in this new life forced upon her.