Another Year Older

This week I celebrated my birthday.  I always write a letter to the boys on their birthdays and this year I thought I’d dedicate a post to my own birthday.

I almost forgot my birthday this year.  Not because I don’t place value on my birthday, I made a conscious effort to make sure I do place value on my birthday but I just haven’t been in a very good head space of late. My birthday was the last thing on my mind.

Even though I make sure I place value on my birthday I also struggle with spending money on myself.  I guess it’s a Mum/parent thing, there are so many other “things” that need to be paid and there is a lot of guilt attached to spending money on myself.  Luckily my boys don’t know about “mum/parent guilt” yet and have good memories, they remembered a few months ago we went to IKEA and saw some wine glasses.  At the time things were very tight financially so I couldn’t afford them but things are slightly easier at the moment and they remembered how much I loved the glasses.  So we made a trip to IKEA.  Of course with wine glasses come wine and might I say that my boys have impeccable taste 🙂 even if they did pick the wine based on the labels and shape of the bottles.

The biggest surprise was my 11 year old son who took 2 weeks worth of pocket money to buy my favourite chocolate and flowers.  He even insisted on going into the shop by himself so that I would have a nice surprise.  A surprise it was – not the actual gift – but the fact that he had saved for 2 weeks and used all of his money to buy the present.  It was a very proud Mumma moment and a tear or 2 was shed.

The next few months, we as a family and myself personally are facing a major change.

When I moved out of the marital home, I chose my current home based on availability, location and keeping things consistent for the children.  Over the past few months and in particular few weeks it has become glaring obvious that this is not the place for me anymore.  Both children at school have various issues and changes, the once stable environment of school is not so stable and they both could do with a change.  Not to mention the burden of private school fees. I always wanted my children to have the best possible education but on a single income and with 4 children to educate, a private school is no longer financially viable.  That money is best spent elsewhere.

I live on the outskirts of suburbia, a lovely country town with a beautiful main street (absolute sh!t to drive down though!!!).  I am very town proud and fell in love with this little town about 9 years ago when we first moved here as newlyweds from a seaside location on the complete opposite side of the city. It took me years to overcome the claustrophobia I felt at not being able to see the sea as I drove but eventually I got there.  Suddenly, though the town feels very small and I’ve fallen in love with a new location.  So, in the next few months, I am packing up my house, my 4 kids and my life and moving to the suburbs.  I am excited, it is the first time since I was 10 years old that I have lived in the suburbs, in fact we looked at a house earlier this week where you could see our capital city, Adelaide, from the front yard.

It’s a decision made for me.  The house I am looking for is for me.  Of course, the house needs to be functional enough for us as a family but I am also taking into account that sometimes the house does not have children in it so I want an area for myself, a little sanctuary to relax in and regroup when the children are not here.

It’s rather scary – the logistics of the move is scary.  Starting again in a new area is scary.  Moving the kids schooling is scary but I think we’re ready for this.

I am also going to continue my journey of self care. For too long I felt I didn’t deserve to care for myself and to change that thinking is tough but I think I’m really getting there.

With self care comes self worth and self respect.  I do not deserve some of the treatment I have put up with of late and over the next year I am going to concentrate on setting boundaries and trusting myself more.  I once saw a quote from Pink which said:

Once you figure out what respect tastes like, it tastes better than attention

And that is going to be my motto moving forward.

Happy Birthday me!

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