The night before……
As 2016 draws to a close I feel a pressing need to reach some closure on the end of my marriage. I know that with just 2 days left that’s not going to happen but I don’t want to take all of this emotion into 2017. I can’t stay in this place anymore. It has become my safe place, a place to hide and a place where I don’t have to deal with anything. But it has also become a place that I dislike, it’s dark and cold. It’s a place that uses all of my energy leaving nothing left for anyone else. It’s a place where sometimes the sheer effort involved in just getting out of bed is too much. I’m tired and I don’t want to be tired anymore.
Tomorrow I am heading to the town where we got married. It’s a beautiful little country town on a beautiful river. It’s also the same town we shared our first kiss many, many, many, years ago as young naïve souls who had no idea the journey we would embark on. It’s a town that has special meaning to both of us. He grew up in the region. My grandparents lived in the region. There’s a lot of history there.
I am hoping to find some steps towards closure. I don’t know what it is I’m searching for but I hope I find something.
My initial thought is to do something BIG. A symbol that this is a step towards closure.
My thought is to take my engagement and wedding ring and throw them in the river. To release, this ……. argh whatever this is that I’m feeling. But I’m not sure.
The day …..
So here I am, sitting in a small country town on the river. Listening to the sound of birds, water, boats, laughter. It really is beautiful. My idea of Heaven on Earth.
I’m sitting in view of the boat we were married on. It’s a café/restaurant. I wanted so badly to go in, sit down and have a coffee while I write but after seeing it I realise that today is not the day, there’s still too much emotion. An elderly couple nearby strike up a conversation with me. But I’m painfully shy with people I don’t know so the conversation is minimal. I suddenly remember while talking about my children that B4 is 3 months old today. Wow, three months, where did that time go!
It’s lunch time but as so often is the case my hunger escapes me. That’s the thing with grief I guess, sometimes it consumes you and that’s what I’ve come to realise I am going through. Grief. For the loss of a person, a life and dreams.
I’m looking at the boat and remember everything about 4th October 2008. It’s still so fresh I can remember exactly how I was feeling, I can remember smells and touch. I can remember the people who were there. I remember sitting on one of the top decks with my new husband, just us alone, talking about the future. Our wedding photographer managed to capture some shots of this moment, maybe one day I will look at them. I never felt nervous on that day. It really was a fairytale wedding but at the end of the day that’s not what matters. It’s the strength of the relationship. And going into the marriage there were already so many problems. Maybe we got caught up in that fairytale. I know I thought a wedding ring would magically solve all our problems. Now being a little older and wiser I know that materialistic things will never solve anything. You can spend tens of thousands of dollars on a fairytale wedding but if the love and respect is not there from both parties it’s a disaster waiting to happen.
Moving into future relationships I’d like to think that I’ll be so much wiser but I’m a hopeless romantic who falls hard so I know that if I ever fell in love again I’d probably be back in this same position, perhaps not so deep in emotion but there’s a chance that if things don’t work out I’ll be back here and sometimes I wonder if that is all worth it.
I am looking at my son, our son, the last child we’ll have together. He’s laying on the grass laughing as he’s looking at the trees. He’ll never know what it feels like to have Mum and Dad in the same house together. This is the life now for him and his brothers, running back and forth between two homes. This isn’t the life I had hoped for my children. I had never planned that I’d be without my children every second weekend. Does anyone when they have children? B4 is smiling at me, for now I am his entire world. He has no idea of the chaos around him. It scares me that one day he will know. I hope he always knows how loved he is. How hard I fought for him and his family, that I didn’t give up or leave without trying everything in my power. I hope he never loses this innocence.
Did my husband fight enough for us. No, I don’t believe he did. He didn’t fight at all. It was me doing the fighting, for years and years. I guess that’s why it makes it so hard to move past this. This was my life for so long, I fought for so long. It’s hard to give that up. I know I fought hard, but sometimes I wonder if I fought hard enough. When I moved out, did I take the easy way out? If I stayed would things have been different, would we have eventually sorted ourselves out. I guess I will never know, I guess I must give up on the what if’s and deal with what is now.
It’s time to give it up. It’s time to give up on the marriage and that life.
The rings are in my bag. I’m not going to pull them out. It was a 90 minute drive up here and I had plenty of thinking time. Whilst throwing them in the river would be very cleansing for my soul, I think there are better options.
I know I have said this so many times before and I know that I have tried to do this so many times before but I must move on. I am still fighting in my head for a person and a life. But it’s a lonely fight because there is no one there with me, there hasn’t been for some time now. He moved on long before we even separated. So that should be the biggest sign to me to move on myself.
Maybe one day I’ll come back here to this little town. I’ve toyed many times with the idea of moving to the country. I’ve always felt like a country girl trapped inside a city girls life! But for now I think I must say goodbye to this place, hold the memories tight but move on alone. Not stay in this limbo land, half stuck in the past and half in the future. Let it all go. Put it behind me. Remember this place as what it used to be – where my grandparents lived and where I spent time as a child.
Time to put the computer away, to take in the beautiful scenery around me. To continue talking to that elderly couple next to me. To move on.
The final goodbye……..
I am now at home. I have had plenty of time to think today. To reflect on a life that is no longer. I guess in a way I’ve been waiting for him to start fighting. I have never properly unpacked my new house, never gotten myself comfortable on the off-chance he would change his mind and start fighting. But it’s been nearly 8 months now. He’s not going to fight.
It’s time that I accept that this is my life. There is no one coming to rescue me from this chaos and constant work. No one is coming to hold the baby while I do the littlest thing like go to the toilet or have a shower. No one is coming to cook a meal or watch the children while I go shopping. No one is coming to make a cup of tea or to force me to stay in bed when I’m sick. It’s just me now.
It’s a very strange feeling because I know I am not in love with my husband any more. I think I am in love with the idea of being married, the idea of us being a whole family for the sake of the children.
I collected 2 of the children from him this afternoon. Since Christmas we have had yet another falling out, this is unfortunately the nature of our relationship. Each of us frequently does something to piss the other one off. So the pleasantries of Christmas are long gone.
I wanted to say so much to him. I wanted to ask why he didn’t fight for me. I wanted to ask how could he just throw away a family like it meant nothing. I wanted to ask him why now after everything he’s decided to seek help and why he couldn’t do that for me and for our family. I wanted to thank him for 4 beautiful children. I wanted to thank him for not fighting because even though I have found myself in a very dark place lately I know this is for the best and I will come out the other side a much stronger person. I wanted to thank him for the lessons and the scars.
Most of all I wanted to thank him for this wonderful life changing journey.