12 months ago I was married, working in a job I love and had 3 beautiful children. Now I’m separated, not working and have 4 beautiful children. A lot can change in 12 months.
Now that I’m out of the marriage, I can see that I lost myself. I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what my hobbies are. I have no idea what to do next.
I have a choice to make. Once my maternity leave ends do I return to the job I love or use this opportunity to do something else with my life. Unfortunately, with the way the world works today, there is no financial benefit to me working – which is a little sad and a whole other post for another day. So that leaves me with the decision, what do I want to do. Which also leaves me to another much bigger question – who am I?
For almost 13 years I was “the Mrs”, for 8 years I was “the wife” and now I’m “the ex”.
But who is “the ex”. What does she like? What does she dislike? What does she do in her spare time? What does she do for a living?
As many women do after a break up, I’ve done the physical transformation. New hair, lost weight, new clothes, new look etc and that felt great. I love that physically I am not the same person. But now I feel I must face the big question – who the hell am I?
I don’t even know where to start discovering who I am. I am even struggling with the simplest of changes. Recently, I had need to fill in some paperwork that was completely irrelevant to the divorce, I struggled:
Mr, Mrs, Miss Ms – Am I still a Mrs? I’m not a Miss. I dislike Ms. Hmmmm, next question…….
Martial status: – Married – No, Divorced – No, Separated – Yes. Try not to let it affect me and move on to the next question……
First Name: – easy
Surname: Do I use my maiden name and have a different surname to my children. Do I keep my ex husband’s name? Do I hyphenate?
Hmm, bugger this it’s all too hard.
Anyway, back to my decisions. I am at a crossroads in my life. I am well aware that not everyone has this chance, I know that many would relish this chance. But for me, I am still so unsure of myself, I am scared I am going to make another wrong choice and end up back in this same spot.
I am starting from scratch, I have the power to decide what I do next. I can be anything. I can do anything.
After feeling trapped for so long that is both liberating and scary at the same time.
So here it goes. I’m taking a leap without a safety net into the big wide world again to become someone new. To discover who I am and who I want to be. Wish me luck!