The title of the post is probably much more dramatic than it should be, this is one of those posts where I’m just sitting down writing late at night in hope that it’ll make me sleepy. There’s no editing. It ruins the authenticity of such posts.
One thing I hear most about myself from people I’ve met, after they’ve gotten to know me is “you’re not as stuck up as I thought” or “you’re a lot more friendly than I thought”. I have been blessed with what’s commonly known as resting bitch face and I am also reserved around people I don’t know, so when people meet me, they put me in this box of “stuck up bitch”.
After they’ve gotten to know me, I hear “I’m not sure if you’re really ditzy or intelligent”. Another nice compliment but, hey, I’m all for honesty! I think I’m intelligent BUT also ditzy at the same time. See I have a higher than average IQ, not a brilliant IQ but higher than the average person. But then put me in a life decision – I am clueless, I know nothing about life or love or anything.
I get bored easily, if I’m learning something new, I need to learn on my own otherwise I’ll switch off because I learn very quickly – on text book things. And that’s where I went wrong in high school, it bored me so I switched off. Everything I have done outside of high school has been done at my own pace and by myself. Even my business I’m slowly building, is solely self funded and me working very hard to make a success of this. To prove to myself that I can do it. Of course I get some help with bits and pieces, advice, discounts etc but for the most part it’s just me.
Why can’t I apply these principles of learning an art or a craft, to life so I don’t make the same mistakes over and over again. That’s how you become scared to give yourself to someone, the things that make you “text book smart” you can’t always apply to the real world so it makes some interactions hard. And when you feel everything so deep, it’s chaotic. I know I am not the only person who feels like this and get two people together who feel like this – it’s a chaotic mess!
Ever since I can remember, I have always written. A journal/diary as a kid, poems, stories, songs and now my blog and soon to be released book. It’s funny though because I never did very well in English at school, I hated it and I’m not a big reader in books. Oddly, I never wrote anything from the day my ex husband and I got together until the day he asked for a divorce. Not even words to him and I always write words to people in my life, even though most of the time they’re never sent. I don’t know why I didn’t feel the need to write during that part of my life.
I can’t really relate to books. I have my favourites and I tend to stick to those and now on the odd chance I get to sit down and read for leisure, it’s usually someone else’s blog. Quotes, poems and song words – well that’s torture at times. There are some artists who can tell stories so real you can feel the pain – or maybe it’s just me.
I am sensitive. I feel everything. Everything! If it happens to me, I feel it. If it happens to you, I feel it. If you struggle I feel it and I look for ways to help you. I often tolerate more than I should from others because I like to see the good in everyone. Does this make me naive, probably but I’d rather be naive than numb.
Sometimes things keep me up at night, lines in the song repeating over and over. Especially if it’s relating to a situation I am going through. My taste in music is broad, I can always find a song to relate to a situation. It’s never about the music though – more often than not, it’s about the words
For me writing is somewhat of a guilty pleasure. I need to write to let thoughts escape. And that’s a taste of what this post is. I often write, late at night like this but rarely publish it. It’s often muddled, sometimes it’s just quotes or song lines or anything to help me get it out of my head and make sense of what is going on.
I’m not sure why I don’t publish these posts, I’m not sure why writers feel that everything they write needs to be structured with a beginning, a middle and an end to be truly appreciated. Show me your mind and the beautiful mess it is – unedited! That’s where you’ll win me. Show me your most vulnerable side.
I can’t even remember which music artist said this I remember seeing it on Twitter “I’ve made some great music and I can’t wait for you all to hear it” and you know what as a writer i can totally agree with that. I write sometimes up to 5 blog posts a day, most never see the light of day but when a really good post comes together – I absolutely CANNOT wait to publish it for you guys to read.
That’s where writing becomes a guilty pleasure. But it’s mine, it’s what I do to unwind, it’s me and no one can take this off me. Everyone needs something that’s theirs.
If I ever get to a point of letting my guard completely down with another human I have these messy, brilliant, intelligent, clueless, vulnerable thoughts to show them.
Until then, I publish what I am comfortable with.
And as for the song in my head tonight, these lines are from a song called Lenny/Man on The Side written by John Mayer, it’s inline with my chaotic thoughts:
Six numbers one more to dial
Before I’m before you
I tried to call been busy all night
Gave up waitin’ at daylightExcuse me Mrs. Busybody
Could you pencil me in when you can?
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me, if you wanted meI am the man on the side
Hopin’ you’ll make up your mind